Last October just as the end of autumn, I walked in the forest alone, looking for peace of mind among the tall nearing bare trees with floors covered with golden leaves.
My heart heavies and my eyes wells up as I thought about my dad and my brother. Before long I found myself sitting on a dead branch crying. Just among the trees, the earth and the little forest creat...ure, I cried for a long time. Then I saw a lady walking her dog, so I quickly wiped my face, straightened up and did a quick checked using my iPhone camera for anymore traces of tears. By the time the lady was closed to me, she didn't notice anything. She stopped to say hello and we just chat a little bit about random stuff and she went on her way.
But she then turned back and asked me if I'm alright? With confidence, i said yes. She said are you sure? My eyes starts to wells up again. She invited me to walk with her and tell her my story... And I did, we both stood there, not crying but tears was flowing out beyond our control. She too lost her dad recently. We stood the hugging and crying and promise to support each other in the way we knew how. She lit a candle for my dad and I sent a prayer for her pain to heal.
When I least expected, I found comfort in a stranger and now my good friend here in Sweden.
Today is march 22, 2013. I left early morning with Nabilah and we went for breakfast. We did the same yesterday morning. Yesterday I noticed an old man looking at me and the children talking and I felt him observing me as I tidied after Umaiza's mess, joked with the kids and messing about with camera.
I didn't know why, the Swedish may have the softest beautiful baby blue eyes but they give away nothing. The facial expression is always impartial and their dressing are always smart and in order. They are composed and in control. When they looked you, you feel they are judging you. I couldn't be more wrong with that conclusion!
This morning, the same old man, he is alone this time dropped his mug and he was shaking a little bit. I jumped up a little bit, so he apologised. I said its ok, are you alright? He said yes and left to get a different mug.
Few minutes later, he returned, stopped at my table... And for the first time I got see his face and eyes properly... There were something profoundly deep emotions in his eyes, I felt he was crying a river. As the seconds lagged, he eventually said he lost his wife a week ago. She was sick for a long time and now he is relieved for her but he can't seems to get it together for him. He's been clumsy since... His started shaking a little bit. I stood up and hugged him.
I helped him to his table.. Pick up the pen he dropped on the floor while doing his crossword puzzle. I told him what was told to me in the forest last October. It's will get better. I told him I know how it feels to lose the people you love. This man have families kids and grand kids, but if he is remotely as proud as I am, he will be worried about troubling his families more than his emotional pain, and will put up the pretence.
Anyway I left to send Nabilah to school...on the way back I found myself in pain, crying for this stranger.
Even as I told him it will get better and I told him that we will all die one day and I hope to be reunited with the people I love, I didn't tell him that in the meantime as the journey is unfolding that the intensity of how much you miss them grows. It doesn't get easier but it just gets familiar. I didn't tell him nobody in the world can comfort him but merely to just stand with him in the moment of loneliness and loss. Truth be told, the pain is solely his to bear, no matter how much he tries to share it or shake it off, its there and its constant.
Every time he miss her, his heart will be stabbed with the same pain he felt when found out he lost her.
Why am I telling you this? It's for the hope of humanity. Be a comforting friend even if they are stranger. Lend your hand when some fall. When you notice pain behind someone's eyes, pause to check. They may choose not to share it, but they will at least know you do care.
We are all humans, we are not perfect. We pray to god for comfort and he may send angles in different ways... Our act of kindness towards each other is the mysterious ways how it all works out in the end and so I believed.
~fida.i~
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